Now I’m Going Home…
By bluepanjeet on Dec 25, 2007 in *Wishful Thinking
Ten years ago I was asking myself where am I heading, where does the greater scheme of things will lead me. It’s been ten years since I decided to turn my life around. Now the wait will soon end, hoping that my wandering from this so called life will finally have a destination.
Writing this post is very emotional for me. Would you believe that as I am typing my keyboard, I am teary eyed. It’s mixed emotions. Happines and gratitude fills my heart right now. The “MAN I love so much” has guided me in my life. HE is the “only man I have ever loved” who I am destined to serve for all the remaining days of my life. Though I myself wanted to have a family of my own yet ten years past, the man I love still calls me to his home. As I have often described it when I talk about his love, it is as if a ten wheeler truck is pulling me towards HIM no matter how hard I try to avoid him.
Many times, have I avoided his seduction, his promptings, and even his most celebrated events in his life, yet I find myself at the end of every road that leads me to HIM. It is as if everywhere I turn to he is there to put detours on my roads.
How can you not love this MAN? that in every bad decisions I make in my life he is always there to save me. He is always there to correct all my mistakes, and always there to remind me that the sufferings that I had in the past would not be left unconsoled.
I have been battered as a child, been ganged up since I was a kid, been into terrible verbal abuse imaginable, been to every physical injuries and pain inflicted by man, been to every trials that a kid can ever bear, been to all the betrayals that friends can offer, been through all prejudices and misunderstandings that others can give, been through all degradation of dignity that one have to endure, been through all thoughts of ending my life, yet I am here alive, journeying with you, living positively, hoping, waiting and loving all people who come to me, regardless of hurts and pains they caused me… I am hoping that the wait will soon end after ten hard years living here in the secular world.
As you are reading this post, I am now on my way to my exam, full of anxiety, full of uncertainty yet with all the hope that my faith in HIM can offer. I have run through so many obstacles on my journey and yet I am not giving up. I will come home to him no matter what happens.
Today I am heading to the second of the final stage of my dream. Nobody knows what the outcome will be, but the most important thing is that HE will be at my side in this phase of my waiting in the greater scheme of things.
Ten years ago I bargained with him, that if this second to the last stage of my dream will be fulfilled, no matter what my masculine needs is dictating me, I will willingly offer my whole self to him for the rest of my life. Last year I made a new years resolution of keeping my tears toned down. And for the whole year of 2007 I kept that promise. I never cried. I am happy for the whole year of 2007. But not today.
Today, in the last remaining days of 2007, as I travel from my home towards a rendezvous in fulfilling a promise to him, I am teary eyed with all the joy that I have in my heart right now because of his never ending goodness to me despite and in spite my unfaithfulness to him. Today I am making a step forward in fulfilling that dream.
With all the questions in my heart, with all the wonders and wanders, with all the skepticism and with all the uncertainties that I trodden in the past, Today I know the answer.
If you have been my friend and family for 30 years, maybe you will still ask these questions:
“Why after my long term relationships with women in the past, I chose to stay single”
“why I haven’t had the chance to have my dream girl in my life after so many concerted efforts and endless attempts”
“why at the age of 30 I am still not married and studying”
“why I converted from a rugged and raw man to a very morally conscious individual”
“why I strive hard to go to the US”
and so many more questions…. There is only one answer….
Love is the answer…
Now I am Going Home to Him, The MAN of my life, The MAN who made me feel the love that I never felt before, the MAN whose love eclipsed all the love of the women in my life… The MAN who picked me up when I was already in the verge of death… The MAN who bid me to come home…
Now I can stop my endless wandering…
I am Home to Stay…
To The Man Who Loved me unconditionally for the past 30 years…
Morning comes and I must go,
day is breaking yonder
After all the places I have been
Now I’m going home.
I have been to seek the skies
to travel on the highway
And the time has come i don’t know why,
I am going home.
Where is the answer to so many questions I don’t know?
So I’d begin another journey;
Where is the meaning for my world?
I see the answer now.
Though we came by different roads,
now we walk together
Stay beside me all our days
Strangers never more.
Through the cool of summer rains,
by the heart side fire;
I’ll be with you when nothing remains
I am home to stay.
for Love is the answer to so many questions now I know.
And I can stop my endless wondering.
Love is the meaning to my world
I see the answer now.
Love gives meaning to my world
and I see the answer now.
Love is the Answer… LOVE
My Dear Lord, I am Now Ready To Go Home Wherever You Lead Me… Successful or Unsuccessful…
___________________________________________________________________________
Tidbits: The background song is entitled “Love Is The Answer”, a choir piece that was taught to us by our choir master in the seminary and what the Capuchin Nuns used to sing during our daily mass. I always select this song in our seminary choir practice and to every choir performance I handled outside the formation. This song always makes me cry because of the meaning it has in certain stages of my life. Strangely enough, after coming home from the 4 am Dawn Mass (simbang Gabi), I just randomnly googled this song in the internet and found this track. For 5 years, I’ve been searching for this song in all search engines and P2P music softwares imaginable but to no avail, until this very fateful morning when I found this song from the source. This is a very rare and beautiful song. No artist have ever sung/recorded this before, that’s why you will never hear this from all existing secular and religious CDs and tapes. This version was sung by the Philippine Madrigal Singers in one of their live concerts. Thank you so much for the person who uploaded this. You do not know how you have boosted my motivation to go to my examination. May the Lord Bless you and your family this Christmas.
BluePanjeet Interactives 2007
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28 Comment(s)
By pusa on Dec 16, 2007 | Reply
good luck my dear.. wishing you all the best this holiday season and of course, for you to pass the nclex exam! i know you will. review all you want but dont forget to enjoy and celebrate christmas. mwah
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Salamat Pusa. hehe di ko nakalimutan magcelebrate ng christmas. nakompleto ko ang simbanggabi. naks. desperado talaga makapasa
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By chuvaness on Dec 19, 2007 | Reply
Uyyyyyyyyy
chuvaness’s last blog post..Interview with HRH Reyna Elena on DWIZ
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Uy ka rin hahaha
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By kengkay on Dec 24, 2007 | Reply
maligayang pasko, dear bluePJ
kengkay’s last blog post..Handa
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Ate Kengs, delayed ito pero pahabol na din.. Maligayang pasko din.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Thess on Dec 25, 2007 | Reply
This entry has touched my core, brother…I am finally learning you.
Have faith, He’s with you all the way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
likewise here my dear kapatid.
PS dumalaw ako kagabi sa blog mo para dun sa meme ng entrecard mukhang out of order sya.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Jhoen on Dec 25, 2007 | Reply
I am speechless after reading this entry kapatid. Punung-puno ng puso at kaluluwa… Also, what made it more moving is my resonance to it… Incidentally, “Love Is The Answer” & “The Greater Scheme Of Things” are also my personal favorites. We are all united with you in PRAYERS as you trek this part of your journey… May the Spirit guide you in your exam. MALIGAYANG PASKO!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Pareng Jhoen, thank you so much for the text message you sent from italy minutes before my exam. It really made me teary eyed and have knocked out all of the nervousness inside me. I was in a queue when i received your message. I will tell you the details after the release of the result. I’m still praying for the best. May His Will Be Done.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Kotsengkuba on Dec 25, 2007 | Reply
merry Christmas brother! and good luck to all your endeavors. You have such a strong faith that I envy for not having.
God bless you and your family.
Kotsengkuba’s last blog post..Because I Can?t Afford to Have a Blue Christmas
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
All will be known in due time brother. You have faith, because if you don’t, you won’t be moved upon reading some of my boring post. Ingat ka kasi peborit ni Lord kulitin ang mga palaging natotouch nya hehe. Salamat sa lahat pare ng suporta. di koalam kung panoako makakaganti sa inyo. Sa panalangin na lang.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By jun.anteola on Dec 26, 2007 | Reply
God bless on the exams…
and Merry Christmas!
jun.anteola’s last blog post..Happy Holidays, Everyone!!!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Doc long time no talk sa blog hehe. bisita ako jan ha, tapusin ko lang mga backlog ko na pakiwari ko ay wala ng katapusan lol. Happy New Year and all the best this 2008
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By joy on Dec 27, 2007 | Reply
Hi bluep! I hope that you are able to breathe better now after the arduous exam yesterday. I know without a doubt that you will have made it!
I hope your Christmas was fun! Please visit The Goddess In You and read my post 20 Personal Questions where I have a nice meme for you!
joy
Your Love Coach
The Goddess In You
Norwich Daily Photo
joy’s last blog post..Single Moms and Dating
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Doc joy, yes at last I was able to breathe na. Thank you for your vote of confidence. Most of you here have given me enough nudge to conquer my inhibitions in the exam. and I really thank you for that. I will visit and do the meme Doc.
Natatakot tuloy ako sa 20 personal question mo na yan haha. baka malagay ako sa hot seat lol
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By chuvaness on Dec 28, 2007 | Reply
O basta, CONGRATS NA kase am sure pasado yun
suportahan ta ka!
chuvaness’s last blog post..20 BEAUTIFUL THINGS ABOUT ME
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Haha and the Ass of Balaam have spoken (Numbers 22:22-33). Magdilang anghel ka kapatid ko. One of the greatest gift you have given me in my entire duration of review is your wisdom. and I thank you for that. and also salamat din for sending me a message as early as 5 in the morning on the day of my exam. haha. that really made my day. saka na ako magkukuwento kapatid ha.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By iRonnie on Dec 28, 2007 | Reply
if i understood your post correctly, pasado man o bagsak, i congratulate you bro! congratulations for finally understanding and learning the greater scheme of things. not many people attains that feat. some of us wanders in life not knowing where it’ll take us.
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
You understood correctly brother. I’ve been wandering for so long and i think this is the time to find my niche on the greater scheme of things.
May all His will be done.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By ruthie on Dec 29, 2007 | Reply
Hi Bluep!
No worries…no worries…for sure God will give you what you need. He always answers.
Take care! Merry Christmas ñ Happy New Year!
ruthie’s last blog post..Good Thing with Smorty
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Ruthie kapatid, may utang pa ako sayo ano? sa inyo tatlo nina pusa at malen hehe.
i remember the quote that i have posted in my room by St. Padre Pio: PRAY HOPE AND DON’T WORRY”
angel ka talaga. Magkita tayo minsan pag nagkalakas ako ng loob haha. baka kasi matakot ka sa itsura ko lol
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By ruthie on Dec 29, 2007 | Reply
i forgot to add…na touch talaga ako sa entry mo…
i remembered kasi when i took my licensure din…somehow it struck something inside me…
ruthie’s last blog post..Good Thing with Smorty
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
I think all of us who pass the stage of reviewing for an exam had the same experiences.
Pero mas nakakatakot yung nagaantay ka na ng release ng result. hindi ko maintindihan ang pakiramdam. basta may faith ka pero part ng humanity mo ang magisip at mag doubt sa kakayahan mo. Alam mo if I not for all your prayers baka psychotic na ako ngayon. I have this tendency to be so anxious.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Thess on Dec 30, 2007 | Reply
waiting to hear from you, bluep!!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
let’s wait for the result. let’s hope for the best.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By cheh on Dec 30, 2007 | Reply
I hope you had a great Christmas BPJ here’s wishing a very prosperous New Year kapatid!:)
cheh’s last blog post..Blog Addiction
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
ate cheh, happy happy new year din. stay sexy, sweet and beautiful this 2008
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By kengkay on Dec 31, 2007 | Reply
how are you na? wishing you a new year that is full of love from Him
kengkay’s last blog post..Ayoko ng Away
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
eto ate kengs. anxious for the result. di makatulog ng ayos hehe. Salamat po.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By reyna elena on Dec 31, 2007 | Reply
TEKA LANG! me napapansin ako!
KENGKAY! halos lahat nang mga message puro ikaw ang kasunod ko! andyan ka lang pala sa unahan ko! Nag-trysikel ka ba? Dahil naglalakad ako!!!
Hoy! Bluep! Kung nasaan ka man, sana pumasa ka dahil itatakwil kita pag bumagsak kaaaaa!!! hahahaha!!! Charringggg!! malaki ata katawan mo! hahaha
Happy new year and thank you for all the support!
reyna elena’s last blog post..What a great 2007 year that was!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
hehe. Mahal Na Reyna, si ate kengkay ang convoy mo sa santacruzan lol.
Wag mo ako itatakwil. mawawalan ako ng mana mula sa inyo, lalo na ngayon na sobrang dami nyo na ena mulasa papel, palito at posporo. lol
slamat din inang sa supporta kahit talagang pang sleeping pills mga entries ko dito lol
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By pusa on Dec 31, 2007 | Reply
meow bluep, am pretty sure sisiw ang exam sayo =) may this new year adorn your life with many beautiful things and sweet memories to cherish forever. Wishing you life’s best this 2008! HaPpY nEw YeAr!!!!
pusa’s last blog post..happy new year
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Napalitan pusa ng daga yung sisiw ngayon lol.
habang nareply ako ngayon dito, kumakabogang dibdib ko sa mga nababasa kong comments nyo. lahat kayo halos pinakakaba nyo lalo ako. ayan o nanginginig ang kamay ko at namamawis ako ng malamig. everytime someone talks about the exam i feel tensed. This is the same feeling I had during my board exam. siguro it comes with the experience.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By malen on Dec 31, 2007 | Reply
BLUEP!!!!!
Nag hibernate ka na?? Nakaka 1052 views na DEADMATHOLOGY ka pa din. Hahahha
HOY GISING!!!!!!!! Happy New Year and thank you thank you for all your support and kindness and everything!!! You are a blessing to me. I wish you a happy 2008.
malen’s last blog post..SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Malen, di ko akalain na aabot ng ganito kadami ang page views nito. This is the highest page views i had and I’m not even naked lol.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By chuva on Jan 2, 2008 | Reply
Happy New Year! Feliz Ano Nuevo bluep!!
More more more power to you!
Love Chuva!!
chuva’s last blog post..Pinoy Celebrity Scene Stealers of 2007
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Chuvs, happy new year brother. Bagong taon na palitan mo na avatar mo at baka ka magka pulmunya lol. lamig pa mandin ka ngayon.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By ross on Jan 2, 2008 | Reply
My Bro Blue,
whatever road we take, we will always end up meeting HIS LOVE and no matter how much we try to avoid replying to HIS calling, we will always end up answering in any way or in any time we want…and HE will always be there, WAITING!
Good luck…my best wishes for you.
PAX AND BONUM!
ross’s last blog post..SMILE SAVES THE DAY
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
That is actually my experience kapatid. I always avoid him and yet he still lure me to his Love. I it’s really a mysterious journey with Him.
There is a truth to the axiom that the more you escape him the more he will seek you: “Quo Vadis Cephas?”
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Felmar Fiel, svd on Jan 4, 2008 | Reply
awww, God indeed is a PERSISTENT SUITOR…..and that is also my image of God. Happy New Year kapatid!
Felmar Fiel, svd’s last blog post..ARCHIVES
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Felmar, we have the same image of HIM. he is so persistent. I can’t shake him off. Given the circumstances that I’m not anymore active in church, yet he still calls me. sometimes in the deepest seat of my silence he speaks. You know what I’m talking about bro. Happy Happy New year
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Jon on Jan 5, 2008 | Reply
I knew the moment I met you that you go back, how weird is that?
Ok, you can pray for me, remember me at Mass in one of those, “For those for whom I said I’d pray, I lift them up now.” moments.
I am so proud of you for honoring His call and I will pray for you and remember you during Mass as well. We need orthodox Priests so reading this has been a joy to me.
Jon
Jon’s last blog post..2007
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Brother I have the calling but you know as I always call my self inside the formation, I am the hesitant follower. I really don’t want to preempt or give a wrong signal that I’m entering again the formation because it is really a long process. I just give space to his will. I can serve him naman being a father or in many ways possible. It’s still remains to be seen. Pero if given the right opportunity and time, I will not have second thoughts of fulfilling my dream.
thanks for that vote of confidence brother. I appreciate it really. And yes, ngayon palang isasama na kita sa prayers ko.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By thekingpin68 on Jan 5, 2008 | Reply
“why at the age of 30 I am still not married and studying”
Hi Army,
I am 39 and in the same boat. From John’s gospel we especially see the love of God for his followers, and I trust in God through Christ, despite the constant mix of blessings and curses in life. I cannot do a better job of running my life than the infinite, omnipotent God and I stay true to the God I have learned about through reason and revelation. Trusting in God does not make the pain less, but can make it more purposeful. Even though God is often disappointing, he is in Christ ultimately fulfilling and better than all the alternatives.
Russ:)
thekingpin68’s last blog post..New Blog Rush widget
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
You are really a prophet brother. You know the content of my prayers? That I may bear all the trials he will give me in all patience and endurance. I accept all his crosses, but only with a condition that He will give me strength and courage to bear it quietly and for Himnot to abandon me in my most difficult tests. looking at the hindsight, never did he leave me. not even once.
I can’t imagine my life without Him. I mean I can go on my own whims and caprices but it is all empty. I only become purposeful when I am with Him. and that is the truth of it all.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By sasha on Jan 6, 2008 | Reply
Kapatid, kumusta na? Ano na ang nangyari?
I do believe that it takes a while before we can finally discern what He wants from us. I’m glad you finally understood what’s yours 
God bless, kapatid!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Sashing musta na. Namiss kita hehe. Wala pa result. Matagal na ako hesistant eh, ngayon lang talaga ko naintindihan lahat ng purposenya. That’s why i created this blog to document all his awesomeness and majesty.
Pax et Bonum
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By malinesky on Jan 7, 2008 | Reply
BPJ, welcome back! I can\’t say anything - such a well written and heartfelt post. Lahat talaga tayo time comes when we question our existence, our direction or path. But only faith will bring us to what we should go - even if we don\’t know where would that be. I applaud such strong faith of yours!!!Just wanna leave you this quote:
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.-Edward Teller
malinesky’s last blog post..New Year, New Home - Please HELP me with RSS
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Maline. That is a very beautiful quote. I assure you it will be on my sidebar this coming days. Akmang akma sa akin lol
bago ako nagkaroon kapatid ng tiwala sa kanya, laksa laksang pagsubok ang dinanas ko. Muntik muntikan na ngang mapariwara ng tuluyan. the phrase “Gold is tested by fire” is really true to those who follow him.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By verge on Jan 9, 2008 | Reply
Kapatid,
I got sick kaya nagkaoras akong basahin ng buong buo ang blog mo. tol, kapatid, igsuon, you amaze me. the sincerity of the words you chose to describe your feelings, your experiences, your hopes; the generosity of your outpourings, allowing us to see your vulnerabilities; your decidedly Catholic spirituality (hehehe…), your, uhm, humor… anyway, enough of the cloying stuffs. jologs na… pagpalain ka sana, kapatid, sa exams mo and ipagpatuloy ang pagba-blog. salamat sa pagtuturo mo sa akin kung paano mag-attach ng files sa e-mail (am I embarassing myself too far here?). alam ko, marami ka pang ituturo sa akin. tiyak yun.
ps. INFJ rin ako sa KTS. balita ko, ang current term yata for it is ADIK.
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Kapatid. Pahinga ka. Very common sa religious ang sakit at over-fatigue.
Salamat at pinagtsyagaan mo ang blog ko, sana di ka inantok kasi pampatulog daw ito eh haha.
haha wala yun. I will always be ofhelp to anyone who comes. magblog kayo ni Jhoen sa wordpress at ako bahala tumulong sa inyo. kailangn ko rin ng reinforcement from someone who is authentically called by the Lord.
Ako kasi trying hard lang sa ganitong mga bagay, while kayo naman nina Jhoen eh talagang de kalibre mula sa simbahan hehe.
Sige na para dumami tayong mga magpapa-antok sa blogosphere haha. Iwanan nyo na friendster blogs nyo (Bad Influence ba?)
Keirsey’s Temperemental Sorter diba? haha magkakasundo tayo. Si Jhoen ata eh INFJ din. Pag nagkataon, mompo ang iinumin natin sa gimik haha.
Salamat sa pagdalaw at sa dasal. I will pray for your wellness. Wag kasi workaholic, baka lumampas sa langit LOL.
PS. Do you know kuya Ren? he is one of my batchmates in the seminary. Nakita ko sya sa friendster mo. Magkabatch ba kayo dyan sa BS?
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By chuva on Jan 11, 2008 | Reply
haha! - - OO nga no? Pero sshhhh.. huwak ka ingay, dak dak trapik din yan -hehehehe!!
chuva’s last blog post..Blogging Income for 2007
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 11th, 2008:
Chuvs handa ka na ba sa Marso? ikaw na susunod o gusto mo gawin nating hunyo para mas suspense haha. dami na nangungulit sa akin nung pic mo. sabi ko di pwede, nasa volt ng OTWOMD at gwardyado ng snipers. hahaha. top secret pa kako lol
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..Star Talk
By Leap of Faith! on Jan 12, 2008 | Reply
bluep, sorry for late reaction. just read your blog now. hope all went well with your exam.
by the way, i love this song. i have been looking for this song for a long, long time. do you know how i can download this too?
Leap of Faith!’s last blog post..Hello world!
[Reply]
bluepanjeet reply on January 20th, 2008:
pare okay lang, ako din minsan busy eh.
I will send to you the copy of this song. Its a very rare song kaya isesend ko sayo, dalawang version pa hehe. wait mo lang sa email.
bluepanjeet’s last blog post..“My Blog Is Beautiful And So Am I” Yeah Right!: All About Blog Narcissism