Last Sunday I had a terrible hiatus mode. I stopped updating entries here on OTWOMD for four days and only resumed last Thursday because of some news that really shook my faith. It was terrible I tell you. I can’t seem to write anything except for that particular issue, but held myself from doing so because of prudence and discernment. Truth to be told, I was confused for the duration simply for the reason that I do not know the answer as to why and how that news even came into a reality. I think I was not alone in that predicament since most of the blogs I read also contain topics related to that news. Everywhere I go on the net, everything I read, everyone was asking the same question: WHY? Like most of them, I too can’t understand nor fathom the wisdom behind it. Maybe because I was too preoccupied with pessimism instead of optimism. It’s beyond my expectation that the news would come so sudden. I wanted to blog about it but like what I said, prudence and responsibility kept holding me back. I was afraid that I might influence other people who will stumble upon my blog in search for answers of that news or worse, put my readers in the same position that I was suffering from, who are also clueless with the news. I tell you, it is the first time that I have been confused about my faith towards a particular aspect of my Catholic Belief.

I have been confused before especially about my vocation when I was still in the seminary. The struggle inside to find out if Why I was being called always riled me up in the formation. But that was easy to handle compared to this dilemma that I had just recently experienced. It is as if I was on the verge of disobedience and incredulity to a revealed truth that we always recite in the articles of the Apostles Creed. But then again, like two meteorologist in the film “twister”, I held on to a sturdy and firm steel foundation. Grasping my fingers and arms to it and holding tight as much as possible so that the mighty and raging wind of confusion may not hurl me away.

Until at the height of my horrible confusion, an email from a friend and a brother came, sharing his sentiments and trusting us with a very diffult trial that he is experiencing upon reading the news. I was not alone. I felt that I was right after all with all my cynicism and skepticism. But even if I was indeed right, in truth I was not, because how come I felt uneasy? How come I felt troubled, bothered and still dazed? If I was indeed right about anything that I thought was valid, I would have felt peace. Yet, I didn’t.

Reading the email of a brother and thinking that at last someone shared my hidden sentiments, I voiced out my confusion, cynicism, skepticism and bitterness about the news. The conversation in the email exchange was fiery in a sense that I was beginning to sound like an atheist or a heretic for that matter, that one concerned and dear brother even sent me an sms message all the way from the eternal city to admonish me to be careful, prudent and wise in my actions, especially on what I was about to write the next day.

I was lying in bed, still confused, still feeling the immense emotion about the issue, when it all toned down after I read the message. It was mixed emotion on my part. The dark side of me was offended in a way that I was thinking that “how can this brother think that I was that careless?”. Yet the Good side in me dominated the negative thoughts and was telling me “He is just concerned, for he is not just a friend but a brother”. I slept entirely with light and darkness fighting over to control my belief that has been guarded and founded ever since I was baptized as a Catholic. For truth to tell, this was the greatest doubt and confusion that I have ever experienced in my life. To some it was just a petty news that can be ignored or brushed aside by two hours of movie watching. But for me, an ex-seminarian, a catholic blogger, it was a big deal.

The next day, I responded to the email, less fiery this time but was implicitly telling my brothers a defense that was not even demanded on a particular issue in our email conversation. After clicking the “submit” button, I read again my response and I realized that I was not in a good place. Like Anakin Skywalker who was seduced to the darkside, I saw myself also being succumbed to the spirit of confusion that will eventually lead me to incredulity and lukewarmness.

And then a reply came which enabled me to defend again myself until one thing led to another that added more confusion to my situation, even worse, I was on the verge of spiritual collapse. Until I decided to stop, halt and prevent myself from rendering myself into self-destruction. I kept quiet. I mummed and I stood still.

Interestingly enough, the Gospel this week has all the answers on my confusion. A priest once told in his homily that the Gospel is always mirrored in our current situations in life. That sometimes we wonder why this assigned reading for the day is exactly the answer, solution or the exact situation that we are currently into. It is as if your life has been themed according to the daily readings of the Gospel.

Yesterday (Saturday) the reading was about Jesus and the Apostles being stuck in the middle of a storm at sea. Peter realizing and fearing that the storm might sink their boat, woke Jesus who was asleep and complained: “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”. Jesus then woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Quiet! Be still!” The wind ceased and there was great calm.

And today, this Sunday, the Gospel is also running in the same vein as what yesterday’s reading is all about. Jesus was teaching in a synagogue in Capernaum until a man with an unclean spirit shouted, “What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are–the Holy One of God!”. Jesus rebuked him and said, “Quiet! Come out of him!” and the unclean spirit convulsed him and with a loud cry came out of him.

My Spiritual Director in the seminary once told me that when I do not know where to go, stay put. He even went further by saying that in times of confusion, the only antidote is to be quiet and calm, because that is the time that I will hear the voice of God. Like in yesterday and today’s Gospel, it is very striking that Jesus commanded the howling wind and the shouting unclean spirit to be Quiet.

In my experience this week, I failed to be silent and calm. Though I was in a hiatus and was not talking to anybody, yet inside me was noise, chaos and disturbance. Far from being quiet and calm. Then I became even more loud when I blurted out my sentiments which actually did more harm to me than good. The confusion only left me when I decided to stop, calm down and render myself internally quiet, putting aside all bitterness, all skepticism, all cynicism and all forms of doubt.

You see when we are confused we tend to look for answers. Searching for the truth is in itself good. But looking for anwers with our mouths blabbering rather than looking for answers quietly with our eyes of faith, render us more dazed and confused than ever, bringing more harm than cure to our troubled soul and restless spirit.

I searched high and low for answers, blabbering in the mail, emailing several Capuchin friars whom I know and even texting my former superiors for enlightenment, yet everything proved futile. Until when an answer came after I read the news about an explanation why the decision was made. Had I not quiet down in the end, would I still be able to recover from the confusion even if the answer was already available and ready to slap me on the face?

In times of confusion we are all asked to quiet down, be calm and have faith. For it is in silence that our hearts and soul commune with God. There are questions in this life that has so many answers but doesnt suffice our soul and gives us peace precisely because the answer lies only on the Holy Spirit. He is the only one who can read the deepest yearnings of our hearts, enabling us to understand previous skepticisms and doubt that we never comprehended even when the answers are already thrown at our face. Because when we are dazed and confused, it is Him who tells us to be “Quiet” so that Peace may flow in our troubled souls. The same Peace that the World cannot give…

Always remember that Confusion is always not from God, but from the one who wants us to lose our faith…

Happy week ahead to all of you.

PS. Many Many Thanks to Elyong of for giving my blog the best blog header award. I am very surprised and gratuitous for this honor. I can’t thank you enough bro.

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This week’s Sunday Gospel Readings
First Reading: Deuteronomy 18,15-20
Responsorial Psalm: Psalms 95(94),1-2.6-7.7-9
Second Reading: 1 Corinthians 7,32-35
Holy Gospel: Mark 1,21-28