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Losing Someone

By bluepanjeet on Jun 1, 2006 in Gentle Stirrings

7

I woke up today with tears in my eyes. I dreamt something tragic. From time to time, when I turn on my suppression (a conscious defense mechanism of intentionally excluding forbidden ideas and anxiety producing situations; a voluntary forgetting or postponing), suppressed feelings and thoughts come out in the form of dreams and nightmares. A few months back, I lost some close friends, two of them in fact. One of them is the object of my current affection who told me that we should be happy with our own separate lives, noteworthy that her friendship for me faded. And the other one is like a brother to me who left me in the thin air during my most troubled times.

Yes, I lost them both. They were both special to me. The former is the one I am dreaming of marrying someday and spend time with for the rest of my life, and the latter one is a partner in crime, who knew every inch of me. But I lost them both. You may judge me if you like, but yes, I lost them because of my own fault.

I lost the woman I love because I failed to say what I had to, when I had the chance. And I lost a friend who is like a brother, a mirror image; because I failed to understand what I had to, when I had the chance. I both lost the chance. It was a one time deal from God. It is now or never. I did not have a second chance. I was given nothing. But I had all the chances I could have, when I still had them.

You see everyone deserves to have his or her second chances’ pwede pa nga ang third or fourth: (even third and forth can be possible) but sometimes, in some circumstances in our life, we have to accept that there are no second chances. The mere fact that you have them and that they have you is already a chance. It just boils down on how you deal with that opportunity given to you.

What was my dream? To give you the gist, but sparing you the details, I dreamt of being avoided. In my dream, I already made a tremendous effort in winning them back. However, at the end of it, they left… I was alone walking in a dark alley expecting in my dream that somehow they will go after me and say… hey I forgive you. But without looking back, they never did. I walked away in my dream alone. Then I woke up crying. Never had the choice not to because in my dream I was crying. Siguro naman naranasan nyo na rin ang umiyak sa panaginip? (I suppose you have experienced crying in your dreams and upon waking up.) I suppressed the emotions that I had for months just to cope up with the anxiety, which unfortunately came out in my dream… there beneath the ICEBERG, which we call the unconscious.

Did I ever tell you that I have a Separation Anxiety? I never liked the idea of being left behind. Never been comfortable of being left alone and staying behind. Never been easy to accept goodbyes, when everything I am used to suddenly changes. No, I’m very much independent. I can live alone. But whenever people come into my life, I find it hard to accept goodbye. I rather leave them instead of them leaving me. And yes, inside of me is an experience that would probably explain why I operate this way. But not here… maybe in our private time.

I tend to leave whenever I cannot handle the pressure, or the anxiety for that matter. Yet I have learned my lessons in the past. Past has thought me well. I learned that leaving is not a solution when there is still hope. And now this is what I get from learning from what history tells me. Yet I’m not shaken. There will always be friends and love ones who will come. Yun nga lang (the only thing is), they would never replace anyone who used to be close to your heart, in the past and in the present.

In life, dreams are active not passive. To dream for the future, is to do the very best to reach that ultimate dream. You have to nurture and offer some sacrifices for its ultimate realization and fulfillment. Otherwise, the dream is void… which eventually turns into nightmares.

Time heals. I closed my door, but there are open windows. “God knows all about tomorrow, He can see beyond today”. I rest my case.







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BluePanjeet Interactives 2005-2008 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License









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  2. By David on Dec 7, 2007 | Reply

    Whenever I feel sadness ofver losing someone I find it helps to pray for them. Especially in situations where you will not see them for a long time, ie: death, prayer is love and keeps the relationship alive, though it has changed.

    David’s last blog post..Ideas And Tips For Anxiety Problems

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