“Hail! the Most Dreadful!” paraphrased from the shampoo commercial, this one liner is very timely indeed. And because itâ??s Christmas, I would like to give Christmas gifts to 10 most loathed political Grinches of 2006. They do not only resemble the horrendous appearance of the Grinch, they also mimic its abhorrent endeavors in marauding us of our country’s democracy, wit, free expression, intelligence and cultural respect. Ergo, they almost stole our Philippine Christmas. But unlike the Grinch, these pillagers seem very far from learning the true meaning of Christmas. Lets make a countdown and give them the gifts that I would like them to receive this Christmas!

The 1st Grinch: Hail! The most Blistered! - Imelda Marcos

She recently claimed that she is the new ukay-ukay (rummage sale) queen. Proving this on National TV, the infamous shoe queen has managed to fool people by stating that all of her assets were robbed by the government from her, thus rendering her poor like the masses. Blistered not from the thousands of shoes she wore, but from the criticism of both local and international communities, Mrs. Marcos has maintained her ignorance of the incurable moral and political arthritis which caused her to feel the intense pain of social scrutiny. 2 decades past, Imelda still denies the facts bestowed upon her by the court and the people. And surprisingly now, associated herself with the masses. Delusional? What about the money she bought for hundreds of pieces of retailed items including necklaces and thermos in Divisoria (a local thrift items destination) while many of the victims of their conjugal repression still cry for justice and are wallowing on poverty and political oppression? In fact, she now has a new line of accessories, which she is starting to venture for her own signature items.

For Christmas, I’ll give her a “SHOVEL” to start her new “ukay-ukay” business. But not the ones we see in flea-market malls, but for her to use to dig the different mass graves all over the country which she and her late hubby created at the height of their martial law days. It will be a big surprise for her to see such valuable items under the ground which she can use in her new line of accessories… bones, dentures, skull and tattered garments. Dare to buy her skeleton pendants?

The 2nd Grinch: Hail! The most incompetent! - PRC Commissioner Leonor Rosero

Among nurses, students and professionals alike, this ?house hold? name could never be forgotten. Let?s make a recap:

1. She released the 2006 Nurse Licensure exam results considering the fact that there was an ongoing investigation by the NBI for the leakage scandal.
2. She resorted to mediocre strategy by using a short-cut formula of computation of the results which deviated from the standard PRC norm.
3. Worse, learning from a source that a temporary restraining order was on the way to block the oath taking, she hastily launched an emergency oath taking facilitated by lawyers instead of the Board of Nurses.
4. When the issue became hot as the iron’s amber, she immediately ordered a voluntary retake for those who passed, without considering the possibility of erroneous calculations from her ?new formula” and shunning off the chance of the remaining 25,000 examinees to pass.
5. Then she recanted her earlier stand and committed that there should be no retake.
6. Avoiding pressures and imitating Pontius Pilate, she took side on the irate board passers. Seemingly firm, she maintained that there should be no retake and gaining the sympathy of the victims.
7. When the court of appeals trashed her stand and ordered for a recomputation of the scores, scheduled oath taking and retake for the affected examinees, Rosero made a bold move by immediately calling for an oath taking and putting the new list of passers and failed examiners in the PRC office, only to find out that many of the recomputed scores were erroneous as her decisions.

This imprudent orthodontist not only made mockery of the nursing profession, but has tainted the profession in the global arena as well. The disgusting side is, she has managed to elope the liabilities and responsibilities that she committed against the victims.

For Christmas, I will give her 42,000 pairs of ?DENTAL PLIERS?. One pair for each batch of 2006 nursing examinees who experienced emotional rollercoaster ride, stigma from local and foreign employers and irreparable damages to their families. Each plier would be used to pluck a tooth from her mouth, one for each student nurse. Of course, as a price for her incompetence, her teeth would not suffice the growing demand of tooth yankers. That?s why I suggest she shift her career from being an orthodontist, to a mere dental technician, in order for her to make herself dentures that could be extracted so she can accommodate angry examinees. By this time, there would be no permanent teeth left for Rosero to make a bite for her principles. How?s that for a PRC resolution with teeth?

The 3rd Grinch: Hail! The Most Possessed! - Miriam Defensor Santiago

Who would ever want Miriam to be out of political limelight? Without her, Government and Politics would be uninterestingly boring. Politics is show business for people who don?t know how to act. She?s definitely not one of them. With numerous roles she played throughout her entire career (a presidentiable protester, political prostitute, sour-graper, fame hungry, attention seeker, a grieving mother and recently a flaming dragon), she has definitely gained the respect of psychopaths all over the country as their invulnerable Patroness of crackpots!

Just weeks ago, this feisty senator was flaming mad to the core when her candidacy for the supreme court chief justice seat was dropped from the shortlist by the Judicial and Bar Council. On national TV, her infernal tongue blow torched the council including the retiring chief justice Panganiban and former senate president Jovito Salonga. I really don?t know if I would be amazed or disappointed with what I saw because, honestly, she is very entertaining and candidly funny even when she?s at the height of her negative emotions. She never minced any words when she stated, and I quote: â??I am irate. I am foaming at the mouth. I?m homicidal. I?m suicidal. I?m humiliated, debased, degraded. And not only that, I feel like throwing up to be living my middle years in a country of this nature. I am nauseated. I spit in the face of Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban and his cohorts in the Supreme Court?.

Her behavior during her privileged speech could outshine characters from horror movies. Well even chucky couldn?t match the performance she gave in front of the viewers. Her anger was also displaced on a senate employee when the latter tried to get her attention in one of her interview. Unfortunately, the employee got his much awaited elbow jab from Miriam.

I can?t stop laughing when I saw that tantrum of hers. Itâ??s like watching Linda Blair and Emily Rose get possessed all over again in a very comedic taste. In her anger, she almost climbed the walls of the senate with her four limbs at her back. Worse than the exorcist, Miriam can be nominated for various international film festivals as best actress for a horror movie based on real life stories.

In Fairness to Sen. Santiago, she has a point when she said that she wants to show the public that not all chief justice nominees should come from the inside of the supreme court. Yet considering all her side empathically, I can?t seem to help myself in including her to my list. In the first place it wouldn?t be Christmas without her sharing her bizarre behavior. She made people laugh and happy even for a minute or so, despite the grueling crisis that our country is experiencing. And because Miriam Defensor Santiago is one of my most favorite political characters in this melodramatic soap opera of Philippine politics, I would give her eight gifts to compensate her disappointments over the JBC?s eight man team.

• “FIRE EXTINGUISHER” to extinguish her flaming tongue. We don’t want the newly renovated Senate house be burned by her blazing breath.

• “STRAIGHT JACKET” to restrain her elbows from jabbing anyone behind.

• “MOUTH GAG” or “STEEL GAGS” like the ones used for Hannibal Lecter to prevent her from biting. Who knows if she has rabies?

• “WOLVERINE’S CLAW” so she could climb up walls and ceilings of the senate if she feels she want to release her anger. At least she wouldn’t hurt anyone.

• Her own “STENOGRAPH” so that whenever she delivers her speech in the senate, she could readily access her special place, that is, imagining that she’s in the Supreme Court.

• Her very own “MALLET“. She already has a table of her own in the senate; the “supreme court milieu” of Miriam wouldn’t be complete without humping a mallet around whenever she feels like objecting to something, even in the most trivial of all issues.

• A Portable “ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) MACHINE” so that her staff could easily electrocute her to calm her down when she’s angry, wherever and whenever: a first of its kind.

• And lastly, a gallon of “HOLY WATER” for her to gargle in her most possessed state to prevent her mouth from foaming diabolically. Everything that comes from her mouth is enough to poison every holy and innocent ear. She truly deserves to be exorcised, for Holy water can help expel legions of demons possessing her being. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, in her privilege speech, she would completely rotate her neck, 360 degrees without breaking them out of shear anger. Eat your heart out Linda Blair!

The 4th Grinch: Hail! The Most Clueless! - Her Excellency Gloria Macapagal Arroyo

She lacks charisma, lacks popularity, lacks public approval, lacks principle, lacks height and most alarmingly, she lacks clue! Her Excellency gained tremendous ire from all walks of life because of this deficit in her persona and public leadership. Madame Gloria has consistently made her mark in history by making false sincerity, false mandate, false statements, false decisions and false principles. Fraudulence at its best, the president never made any effort to show the public the true meaning of truth and honesty. Her words are misleading so as her health. Despite the fact that she is surrounded by an army of advisers, she still doesn’t have any hint of her current state of leadership. Her cluelessness manifested in the following:

• that the people have spoken in favor of Cha-cha thru people’s initiative.

• that the world leaders are backing her every decision.

• that the lives of Filipino people has been uplifted, economically speaking.

• that Value added tax can greatly benefit everyone, especially the common folks.

• that the surge of the Philippine peso to its highest rate will improve our economy.

• that low attendance of the CBCP-backed prayer rally is an indication of public consensus in favor of the cha cha.

• that the arrest of Antonio Trillanes, Gringo Honasan and Oakwood mutineers would stop the destabilization plot against her administration.

• that fickleness towards the Nursing Licensure Leakage issue would favor the majority of the concerned.

• that she can railroad the amendment of the constitution out of numbers game among her congress puppies.

• and that a meager 35 pesos is sufficient enough for every Filipino to survive the day’s hunger.

And because it’s Christmas, I would give the president a number that will surely beat her brains out in trying to figure how she can manage to use them. As a gift, I’ll give her the same “35 pesos” that her administration claimed as the standard cost of living of every Filipino for a day, enough for her to buy a clue. And when she does, she’ll soon have the greatest surprise of her life… that many of us don’t want her anymore to lead this country. Ironically, it may even be the same number of votes she garnered from the last presidential elections. Did I gave her enough clue? Hello Garci?

The 5th Grinch: Hail! The Most Ancient - DOJ Secretary Raul Gonzales

Age doesn’t matter. And truly, the axiom justifies the will of Secretary Gonzales to prove his efficiency in office. No one is really questioning his epoch aside from his few best friends in politics who are not very happy with his “old-style” of managing the DOJ. Healthy as he claimed to be, his performance is without reproach until the fateful day when Justice seem to lost her balance scale and toppled underneath the sinister minions of vested interests. Who would forget the case of Jocjoc Bolante, Nida Blanca and recently, Nicole of the Subic rape case? His undeniable bias towards the American soldiers is surely one of his lowest achievements. Protecting them from Philippine custody and taking the side of the unprofessional prosecutors are the most disgusting of all insults hurled to Philippine Justice System.

And because it’s Christmas, I will gladly give Secretary Gonzales a gift that will maintain his lucidity in contrast to his senility. A “WHEELCHAIR“, instead of a cane would be the most appropriate gift for a primeval cabinet. It would speed things up whenever he feels tired and exhausted of running the office of the DOJ. He can’t speed the cases with his arthritis stricken limbs, then board the wheelchair and burn wheels down the hill in order to meet the crying bodies of assassinated militants and raped Filipinas all over the country. Unless he would complain of flat tires, otherwise I could give him Rollerblades or skateboard in exchange for the chair! Go! Go! Go! Consciousness and Coherence!

The 6th Grinch: Hail! The Most Numbered - Administration Congressmen

Ahhhhh! Gaining the fifth spot from the top is quite an achievement for this company of paranoids and delusionals. Railroading the Charter change in every way possible is just a numbers game for them. Jurisprudence, Intelligence and mastery of the constitution are not anymore a requirement when you’re hastily fast racking the subtle conspiracy among the rotten. Muffling both the opposition and the citizens in the house of congress is an obvious attack in our democracy. Against all odds, the heavens moved mountains unexpectedly when all possible deception was revealed before our very eyes and the motives of the legions of pork barrel finally surrendered their ranks, outnumbered not by the opposition, but by the people of the Philippines in all levels of our society.

I’m planning to give them calculators and cash registers, but I changed my mind. Instead I will give each and every one of them a “Calendar” for them to use as a planner. Starting today, they should count the remaining days before May 2007 because it will be their last in their respective offices. The people will never forget how they manipulated the congress with excessive pride thru numbers game. Now destiny will play its own numbers game, starting today until they finally be kicked out of office. They only have six months to live in congress, and unfortunately, Trauma is the type of “social cancer” that no amount of chemotherapy can be cured. Your days are “numbered” boys!

The 7th Grinch: Hail! The most Hedonistic - Atong Ang

The gambler slash plunderer has been caught in the spider’s web with the help of the FBI. And now, Atong Ang is miserably locked up in Quezon City jail where he awaits his fate. Mr. Ang’s extradition is the epitome of “grace” under pressure, for behold, in his most trying times, he was able to demand unnecessary things to pamper his extravagant lifestyle. Flying via business class, unable to use the NBI restroom for the reason of “not being clean”, requested NBI custody instead of Quezon City jail hospitality and such litanies of shallow perks.

As a gift, I’ll give Mr. Ang a golden “CHAMBERPOT” (arinola) similar to that of Elpidio Quirino’s to remind him that even in his most luxurious whims and pleasure, the filth and odor of his participation in pillaging the wealth of the nation cannot be concealed by his snobbery.

The 8th Grinch: Hail! The most Greedy! - Jose De Venecia

The Trapo “par excellence” have shed his snake-skin. After such a long time of hiding behind the guise of a leader with a good intent, this Christmas scrooge has finally revealed his true colors. Greedy, voracious, ravenous, insatiable, power hungry, avaricious, covetous, acquisitive… the synonyms are endless. Who would forget his nauseating “dance” and “jump” act in front of thousands of worshippers in a certain sect? E.T. (Erratic Trapo) has tried all possible ways to deceive the people in turning the constitution around. But heaven and the voice of the people ended his maniacal scheme.

For Christmas, my gift for him is “FISH GILLS” (Hasang ng Isda). He can cook it as anything he wants. Ang Pagkagahaman nya sa lahat ng bagay ay daig pa ang itim na hasang! May he also use it to breathe, not under water, but under the ground: six feet under?

The 9th Grinch: Hail! The Most Snouted! - Jose Miguel Arroyo

Oink! Oink! The presidential swine is here. Resembling that of a pig but ironically his label isn’t quite synonymous with his specie. The First Bully! is in the mood to sue every living journalist that cross his corrupt path. He intimidates everyone and harasses the media with his “sue-spree” frenzy. This executive pig is definitely delusional, thinking that he is larger than life itself and paying attention to everything, even to the most petty of all comments. Shallow braniac? Not quite. Just a childish boar in his late 50’s.

My gift for the hoofed gentleman is 43 pieces (representing the 43 libel cases he filed against journalists) of “PIG SNOUT” (Nguso at ilong ng baboy) for him to actually smell the coffee everyday when he wakes up. It seems to me that having a pair of well endowed nostrils are not enough for him to have sensible senses and perception. So 43 pieces more of extra large snouts could actually do the trick.

I would also give him a lifetime supply of “DUCK TAPE” for his mouth, eyes, ears and nose. He has to tape them up for him to feel what it feels to be muffled, blind folded, clipped to the ears and suffocated. Tutal naman puno sya ng hangin sa loob at labas ng katawan nya (fortunately he is filled with air in and out of his body), its no sweat! May bonus pa ako: Eto ang piso, go buy a clue. Isa ka pang “unconscious and incoherent” sa mga pinaggagagawa nyo. (I have a bonus: here’s a peso coin, go buy a clue. You’re also unconscious and incoherent in what you do) Truly he deserves to be with his species: Living what he truly is… BABOY! ( do I need to translate? okay - SWINE).

The 10th Grinch: Hail! The most Pirated! - Carmen Pedrosa and Victor Agustin

Hoorah! for the new breed of political bitch-slappers of the administration. These cha-cha puppies were over the line (professional ethics wise) when they doubled team against retired columnist Renato Constantino during the Cha-Cha press-con. The witch of Philippine star (Pedrosa) nagged and shouted over Constantino when the latter made his courageous and opinionated move against Jose de Venecia. She berated Constantino vehemently as if there was no tomorrow left for her to say her dirty piece. The camera caught her fuming mad like a raging bull ready to charge at somebody. But what the media recalled from the witch’s infernal litany was blah, blah and blah!

The jerk from the Philippine Daily Inquirer (Agustin) however managed to cool things off from a distance by dousing a glass of water over Constantino’s face in full “Lavinia mode”. A glass of water should have been enough to condense a steaming man. But for Agustin, the second time around can totally arouse Constantino. But the second attempt was short-lived as the exchange of water dousing was replaced by a near fist fight. And because of their behavior unbecoming, the witch and the bastard earned much criticism from both the media and the public till kingdom come. These two dogs earned the top spot on my list, that’s why I would give them a unique gift this Christmas they would never forget and resent them so much upon receiving it.

This Christmas i will not only double or triple my gift. I will multiply them ten times. Kumbaga buy 1 take 10. For Pedrosa i would give her an additional “10 tongues”. Oo, sampung dila pa! so that when she berate again other people who are trying to uphold the freedom of expression, her own tongue(s) can entangle itself and silence her for good by choking to death.

And for Agustin who is obviously obsessed with water throwing flurry, I would definitely give him an additional “10 pairs of arms and hands” so that there would be no “next-glass-of-water” incident. With eleven pairs of upper limbs, water dousing for Agustin would be a blast. Throwing 22 glasses of water all at the same time is petrifying indeed. With those monstrous arms and hand, he could not only slap an enemy once, twice or thrice. But 22 times simultaneously or in series… Move over Shiva, the centipede is here. These two are poor pirated copies of the casts from the original movie entitled Bituing Walang Ningning. Copy cats to the second power!

O ikaw? Natangap mo na ba Christmas gift mo? sabihin mo lang at bibigyan din kita. (How about you? Did you already receive your Christmas gift? Just tell me and I’ll give you one.)