“Here are the way politics ought to be; the politics of happiness, the politics of purpose and the politics of joy.” - Hubert H. Humphrey

Philippine Politics has been so damn distressing these days that it almost ruined our country’s Christmas season. But then again, politics should never affect the soul of our glorious nation. In this troubling and chaotic epoch of our history, we should take a break from the routine of political tradition, and celebrate the season of happiness with Philippine politics placed in a different context: “showbiz for the attention seekers”. Let’s all take a seat, lay back and relax as we review these make belief movies and hope that somehow, they will bring us joy and happiness even for a little while. As the MMFF season commences on Christmas day, I am proud to present the official entries of the MMFF version of Philippine Politics. Choose your bet among the 10 entries of the mock festival and be a critic in selecting among the entries the most entertaining, most horrifying, most absurd and the least amusing! Let’s get it on!

“Mano Po” starring Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales

His primordial style of running the office of the department of justice deserves the most august respect with regards to his old age and senility. The Film is about a grandfather whose retirement is long overdue. His battle with his age and health did not deter him from performing his duties as a Justice Secretary. Yet in all of his persistence, his enlightenment came late. He retired from office when he finally realized that he cannot anymore do “justice” to all the pending cases stock-piled in his table. Ironic as it may seem, but this movie is an eye opener for all senior citizens in the prime of their age, trying to beat the odds in their career, instead of staying home with their family and enjoying the benefits of their retirement. This movie is the sequel of the blockbuster hit Tanging Yaman with a different kind of politically incorrect milieu.

“Shake, Rattle and Roll 8″ starring Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Playing different roles in her lengthy political career, the “Star for all Crackpots” ventured in another breath taking, spine chilling and horrifying portrayal of a demon possessed stateswoman caught by cameras as she display diabolical manifestation of anger and hate. Predicted to be her most award winning role ever, the film is interestingly interspersed with the scenes of the stateswomanâ??s wall climbing, levitation, foaming in the mouth, homicidal and suicidal ideations and an amazing 360 rotation of her neck without actually breaking them. The producers of this movie boast of no-special effects shots, actual body contortions, elbows jabs and authentic acrobatic stunts. In this film, the JBC tried all their best to exorcise her by sending her to a Psychiatrist, but to no avail. Surely, the audience is treated with entertainment, horror and comedy rolled into one. The only horror film entry this year predicted to be a hit among thrill seekers. Back off Emily rose and Linda Blair!

“Super Noypi” starring former DND Sec. Avelino Cruz

A man torn between principle and pressure, this modern day Pinoy Superhero battled against the odds to maintain and uphold the country’s democracy and respect for the constitution. With an all star cameo appearances by Manny Pacquiao as “Collosus”, Boom Boom Bautista as “Punch Bob Square Pants”, Ronnie Alcano as “Gambit”, Mau Marcelo as “Storm”, Doha Asian Games Gold Medalists as the “Dream Team”, Opposition Congressmen as the “X-Men”, Philippine Senators as the “Men in Black” and Judge Pozon, Chief Justice Panganiban and Nicole as the “Justice League”.

“Zsa Zsa Zaturnah” starring Health Secretary Francisco Duque

See before your very eyes how a Physician slash Health Secretary transforms into a super heroine as he talk, talk and talk endlessly in front of the camera with exaggerated pronunciation, enunciation and diction of words, plus with matching beautiful eyes on National TV. It is a unique film about a man who can outshine and imitate a real woman effortlessly. Clap! Clap! Clap! Tawagin ang “Duquesa”! (Call in the duchess).

“Enteng Kabisote: The Legend Must Go on and on and on…” starring House Speaker Jose de Venecia

The adventure of a lifetime or should I say, of the eternity. Witness how a veteran politician never lost his seat in politics since time immemorial. Filmed entirely from the Martial Law days up to our present time, this very long, long and I say it again; very loooong movie will take forever to end. It only deserves such worthy comment to the protagonist: “And the TRAPO Shall Reign Forever and ever!” Please do bring any kind atchara (preserved sweet and sour papaya) with you during the showing.

“Matakot ka sa Karma” starring Administration Congressmen

With poor publicity and promotion. This is a no brainer for the title speaks for itself. The gist of the film is about how karma will surely come to one’s life unexpectedly and suddenly. Among the ten movies this season, this one is the least promoted and has the fewest number of people’s responses. Fearless forecast for this film is that no one will watch it because of the fear of getting tangled and infested with the “Karma’s” bad luck. Moral Lesson in the movie: that everything evil you do to others will surely come back to you in threefold: siksik, liglig at umaapaw!

“Ligalig” starring Dodot Jaworski and the Gang

An action film based on real life mobster story in the tradition of “the Road to Perdition”. Witness how politicians tremble in fear, manifests anxieties and paranoia, and experience sleepless nights as their assassins and supposed terrorists haunt them one by one like a herd of deer set loose in an open meadow. Having different respective mobs and private armies of their own, they arm themselves (the more) in fear of being assassinated first. They plot assassination attempts with one other, ergo giving the audience a cliffhanger of who’s who and which is which guessing game. Truly, a suspense, action and psychological thriller rolled into one! â??Who will be the last man standing come the 2007 electionsâ?? is the catch-phrase which highlights the filmâ??s trailer and posters.

“Tatlong Baraha” starring Charlie Atong Ang, Gringo Honasan and Marine Corporal Daniel Smith

A story of rags to riches in reverse, the main protagonist narrates his life from being one of the largest spend thrift gambler in history up to his downfall as one of the recently extradited felon. The scene takes you to different jail cells where each fugitive and convicts narrate their stories of escapism, trial and conviction. The path of the three main characters soon crossed when all of them were placed in a single jail cell and played poker until the wee hours of the night.

“Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo” starring Her Excellency Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

A must see movie for all wedding enthusiasts. This entry is rendered as a black comedy but with corny punch lines done in a cheap taste. Originally created for entertainment but the story is not really that amusing. The Film is about how the wife struggled to share her perks and pleasure with his hubby to the detriment of her job as a C.E.O. in a Multinational Company. The film’s climax is when the husband took over the company and placed her wife in jeopardy as the front woman for his devious plans. It is a conjugal power to behold by your very eyes. Not at all entertaining, but it is nice to witness how the couple goes down into history as their human dignity sink into the lowest level conceivable.

“Bituing Walang Ningning (The Remake)” starring Renato Constantino, Carmen Pedrosa and Victor Agustin

Surely the last but not the least, is a legendary remake of the Original “Bituing Walang Ningning” by Sharon Cuneta and Cherrie Gil. This is the shortest film ever entered in the MMFF, showing only one scene in its entire duration. Lasting for 5 minutes, the scene is about the confrontation of Dorina (Renato Constantino) and Lavinia (Victor Agustin) in a press conference where the latter doused the former with ice-cold, lemon-flavored, distilled water. But the catch in this movie is its new twist. Rosa Mia (Carmen Pedrosa), the long lost mother of Dorina, entered the scene and joined the mambo jumbo of stellar wannabes. But instead of taking side with Dorina (originally seen on the telenovela version with the same title), she took side with Lavinia and doused Dorina with water for the second time around. Unfortunately, the water is boiling hot straight from her carry-on thermos! Short but definitely a boiling hot action-drama flick for the war freaks and slap-my-cheek fanatics!

The battle of the water divas, Dorina and Lavinia: Sampalin mo dali! hahahaha

Does these movies ever make sense? Exactly! Yet there is enough reason to be entertained this Christmas season than to wallow on the depressing stories of Philippine politics! Watch, be entertained and laugh till you drop! And the award goes to… Drum roll please…!